sometimes I think to myself if this is all worth it. I already know that it is but somehow, you cannot avoid thinking to yourself or thinking too much. I absolutely HATE the person that I am becoming, and no, it is not the new company that im mixing with now. I believe that everything has to do with the individual, and you cannot blame others. Grandpa died from lung cancer, and ironically I was so distraught and upset that I too, picked up smoking. I can quit anytime but I guess maybe im choosing not too. I dont know why I like to degrade and make myself feel so small and worthless sometimes, but maybe I just am that way, meaningless. I actually really thank God for my clique every single day, especially nic, dont know what i'll do without them and you.If you happen to read this, the following is for you.


NIC MY LOVE:
From the bottom of my heart, no matter how big or small it is, it will always love you, however way you want to think of it. Thanks for always being there for me, be it at my worst or my best, youve seen it all. I really wonder how life will be like without you, but I dont wish for that to happen so I am not going to think about it. You are one friend that I want to have for the rest of my life, and I sincerely mean it so I will do my very best to keep this friendship alive. Thank you for always listening to me even though I know sometimes you might get tired of hearing the same old shit that I have to say ( I know even if you do not say it!haha) but still, thanks for bearing with that. Thank you for always being the crazy you so that I can be my crazy self too around you. Thank you for not judging me when you know that I smoke. Thank you for always trying to make me turn straight although you know that it is impossible. And thank you for always being there, although sometimes you take damn long to reply but you will still reply anyhow. I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes or may not have been a good friend but I love you still the same. Sounds like im writing some suicidal note to you before I die or sth haha but no, I just have the sudden feel to say all these things to you. :) heh. Very mushy lehh, so I shall end here and MAYBE continue next time teehee. LOVE YOU 22, really really do <3

I just want to cry for days and nights until I have no tears left, until I am completely numb from all of whatever thats making feel like this.

goodnight folks.